Why Do Good Girls Fall for Bad Boys?
I hate the way you talk to me
And the way you cut your hair
I hate the way you drive my car
I hate it when you stare
I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way you read my mind
I hate you so much that it makes me sick
It even makes me rhyme
I hate the way you're always right
I hate it when you lie
I hate it when you make me laugh
Even worse when you make me cry
I hate the way you're not around
And the fact that you didn't call
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.-Kat, 10 Things I Hate About You
Do you remember that movie? My 1990’s self soaked that up like nothing else. Angry girl bands. Cute guy with curly hair. Crop tops and sullen faces. Yes, I was all about it.
Explains a lot.
What is it about “bad boys” that good girls like so much? It can’t be all girls, as they say, “There’s a lid for every pot”! So really, why is it that some girls like bad boys? Are they more prone to enjoying danger?
If you don’t know where you sit on the bad-boy continuum, when you watch popular tv shows which guy are you attracted to?
Riverdale: Archie or Jughead?
Grey’s Anatomy: McDreamy or McSteamy?
Pretty Little Liars: Ezra, Caleb or Toby? (That’s a hard one because is Ezra a good guy or a bad guy? I mean, he had an affair with a student- bad. But he’s honest and kind- good. He wins both categories!)
So, where did you land?
And while I’m asking questions, why is it that every bad boy seems to have a twinkle in his eye? My four-year-old has it. Thankfully, he says he’s going to marry a mermaid with rainbow hair who loves Jesus, so I won’t have to worry about him. He’s going to be single forever!
In all seriousness though, have you fallen in love with a bad boy?
Be still, my beating, rebellious heart!
I don’t believe the junk about women getting into relationships with bad boys because they want to change them. It’s the danger we like, why would we want to change them?
Even still, the change your boyfriend theory is a popular sentiment, especially in addiction circles. They even have a name for it, they call them ”fixers.” That term most likely stems from the same people who created codependency teachings.
If you’ve taken Breaking Up with Bad Boundaries, you know how I feel about codependency. If you haven’t taken my mini video series on boundaries and you’re ready to blow your (and everyone else’s) codependency theories out of the water check it out here!
No, I don’t think good girls falling for bad boys is about becoming fixers of men. I think some girls are attracted to bad boys because we’re trying to fix ourselves.
My first fall for a Rebel King 🤴🏽
When I was eleven, I fell in love with my first bad boy. His name was Shane. If he was reading this, he would know exactly who he was; he was an eye twinkler. Dark eyes, dark hair, dark skin. Very short. I think part of why he liked me was because I was short, too; it was a matter of proportion.
I distinctly remember a time my tiny love was sitting alone in the hallway because he’d gotten into trouble in class and passed me a note he’d written out there on the cold, tile floor. I thought it was so cute at the time.
Now I think,
“Of course he’s writing girls notes in the hallway, what else is he going to do?”
Or,
“Why did I think his note was cute instead of thinking how stupid he was to have gotten kicked out of class?”
Or even worse,
“Why was accepting a note from a boy in trouble every day not a giant red flag?”
Really, where was the red flag?! When I should have had a sense of foreboding, I felt only excitement. I wasn’t trying to fix anyone at age eleven, I was enjoying the thrill of young love.
Later that same year, I went to my best friend’s house, her name was Steph. We told her mother we wanted to go to another girl’s house to study when in truth, we snuck out to see boys! I have no idea how we got to the boy’s house, but now that I’m thinking about it did we walk? It’s possible.
When we got to the boy’s house there were no parents home. Ahem. Steph and I went to hang out. The boys clearly intended to get into trouble.
They had Peach Schnapps. I had never drank Peach Schnapps. I sipped it once but thought it was disgusting (I still think it’s disgusting). That was the end of the Schnapps for me. They put on music that was super offensive to my ears. Then they went out to the garden shed to smoke pot! I tried it too, but didn’t like it either. I liked it better than the Peach Schnapps though.
The boys kept going.
By now, I was feeling all the red flags. Steph and I were both uncomfortable but not sure how to get out of the predicament we’d gotten ourselves into. We couldn’t call Steph’s mom, that would blow our cover. We couldn’t leave, that would make us look like losers and we would surely hear about it at school.
We were also waiting because at that point I felt like Julia Goolia from Never Been Kissed with my virgin lips and I was promised to have my very first kiss that day, so said the note I received in the hallway.
I just realized that I tried smoking pot before ever kissing a boy. So much of my life is making sense now. Ha! I would also like to note, there was clearly something wrong with my school that everyone was kissing everyone at age eleven.
Long story short, I was kissed. Confirmation I was not going to grow up and become Leah Diarrhea. Just in time too, because Steph’s mom called our friend’s house to see what time she should pick us up. Our cover was blown and we were in big trouble!
The feeling I was left with was that it had all been worth it. I was no longer a social outcast; in like Flynn. It’s terrifying to think that could be my son in two years. He’s ten. (Note to self- keep him away from bad girls with Peach Schnapps who smoke pot!)
Why do good girls fall for bad boys? 🤷🏼
Based on the statement I made that girls who like bad boys are trying to fix something in themselves, what didn’t I like about my eleven-year-old self that I felt needed fixing?
Let’s make a list!
I was insecure. Very insecure. I had been bullied up until (and beyond) that point and needed reassurance I wasn’t the loser the bullies said I was.
He was one of the better-looking guys in the class. The bad boys usually are- ahem. It’s generally the awkward or the late bloomers who become the real “catch” later on. Attention from a good-looking guy confirmed I was attractive.
My own father was not overly affectionate and I was probably needing some kind of Freudian psychobabble reassurance from males.
Their danger is a type of drug in itself and the bad boys are their own adventure. It is a chance for the good girl to be bad, without having to actually break the rules. I wanted adventure! Passion! Intrigue!
I think somewhere it goes right back to the Garden of Eden. Eve disobeyed God. She had no reason to rebel against Him, her life was perfect. It’s possible this is a generational curse of rebellion we need to pray against (you better believe I will be praying over my daughter tonight, BRING ON THE HOLY WATER, JESUS!).
I was very naive. I didn’t realize the dangers drugs and drinking could lead to.
I think I’m a little bit O.C.D. (obsessive compulsive disorder) and I don’t mean that as a saying. Like “Hey, I’m so O.C.D.” No, I really am. I have everything in my home in its “place.” If someone moves it, I move it exactly back the way it was. It gives me anxiety when my belongings are not in their spot, positioned in the correct way. I’m not full-on, What About Bob or anything, but I do have to fight the urge to have my home perfect. Still not convinced? Check out my Instagram stories. Obsession central. I think I obsessed about this boy. All the boys. It was too much.
Lastly, I was trying to find out who I was apart from my parents. Who did I want to be? Growing up in a small town was like trying on a dress that was not my style but hey, it looked good on me so maybe I should wear it. My brother and I both moved far from home and the pressure to return was real. Even today, I would only move so far away from my parents, even though I’d currently like to move to Southern France. Someone will have to take care of them eventually. (Me, that someone is me. My brother lives in Belgium.)
As you can see, my eleven-year-old shenanigans had little to do with the bad boy himself. Sorry, Short Stuff. It’s also why I repeated the behaviour from one bad boy to the next. It was an escape, the kind of trip I could have without ever leaving home.
But there’s more to the story, because falling for bad boys goes far beyond moral misgivings- its science.
The Science of Attraction
We are primal beings at our core. There is a natural process of selection that happens when it comes to choosing a mate.
Parenting tip- delay the mating as long as humanly possible. Provide other activities. Lock them up in the basement. Feed them ice cream and bribe them with cakes. Anything to make sure they never go out into the wild!
When women meet kind, sweet, docile men, we don’t believe they’re going to be strong enough partners, while bad boys exude masculinity. Testosterone oozes out of them and into their questionable activities.
The rebellious, risk-taking, charismatic behaviour of bad boys makes them look more than likely to hunt, kill and feed our baby chickens. It’s not a moral failing or bad judge of character on part of the woman, it’s science!
Dare I say, it’s actually a good judge of character because bad boys have more testosterone.
I go much deeper into the science of attraction in this post.
In this article from Projects at Harvard, they examine the science behind attraction to bad boys.
“After all, James Bond, James Dean, and Jesse James all share a dangerous, roguish persona, and women in our popular perception seem to find them hard to resist. Indeed, existing scientific literature upholds the idea that bad boys are irresistible. These studies, of course, couch that irresistibility in the reproductive success of bad boys. In other words, studies examining dominance and hypermasculinity show that bad boys have more sexual partners and are perceived as more attractive than their more considerate counterparts (Sadalla et al. 1987; Bogaert and Fisher 1995).”
- Exceeding the Threshold, Why Women Prefer Bad Boys by Edward Horgan
What does the Bible say?
The Bible is full of examples of rebellious men. Rebelling against God is dangerous business and falling in love with a rebel, well, the Bible warns against that, too!
“Do not put your trust in princes, in human beings, who cannot save. When their spirit departs, they return to the ground; on that very day their plans come to nothing. Blessed are those whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the Lord their God.”
(Psalm 146:3-5 NIV)
That said, there are more stories of God using rebellious men to bless nations than warnings about them. Think of Jonah, Moses, and Paul, to name a few. Which leads me to believe that not only do we instinctively know who will feed our chickens based on their levels of testosterone, but that God also thinks rebellious men can do good.
Be smart in your relationships, but don’t be ashamed of an attraction to bad boys!
Have you ever fallen for a bad boy?
Journal Work
Try journaling these questions and see what comes out. You may surprise yourself!
Pick one bad boy from your past. An easy one, not the one who brings up all the feels.
Make a list of the reasons why you think you fell for him and what you were trying to fix in yourself.
Then answer, do you see yourself repeating those same mistakes today?
Once you have identified where you were weak, you can now go to God and talk to Him. Ask for forgiveness. Ask Him to fix those things in you (if they are not already). Submit your heart’s desires to God’s guidance and you’ll break the spell of rebellious love.
And don’t forget to pray over your kiddos tonight (if you have them) that they don’t repeat the same mistakes their ridiculous parents did!
Please, Jesus.
If you’d like more parenting advice, formed entirely by mistakes not infallible expertise, check out my short ebook, “We’re Not Okay.”
Leah Grey
*Previously called, “Why Do Good Girls Love Bad Boys?”. Updated 05/22/19.